Eleven things to do during pre-season (NOT a Ryan Giggs biography)

A couple of weeks ago I had a chat with the guys here at NSNO. “We’d love you to write a blog for the site” they said. Obviously, as a journalism graduate and Everton supporter I was more than eager to comply.

“Ofcourse!” I said, “I can’t wait to start, in fact, I’ll start next week and do it weekly from there on after!”. This was my first mistake.

Writing about Everton, week in week out, can be, and usually is, a pleasure. I love to watch a live game, go home and watch the highlights two or three times over a couple of days, assess it properly and write myopinion on it. I enjoy listening to other people’s opinions, reading forums and articles, gathering the different views on the same match and joining the debates. That’s great. I love all that. That’s not the problem.

My mistake wasn’t the fact I agreed to do the blog, not at all. My mistake was the timing. I agreed to start on the last game of the season! There are no games to watch or listen to. No news to assess and write about. In fact, all I have to listen to is redundant transfer rumours and tweets about our players sipping champagne next to the pool on holiday.

I can’t cope without football! I know I’m not the only one so I’ve made a fool proof, 11 step list of thingsyou can do to occupy and distract yourself until the time to step into Goodison comes around again.

So, here it goes:

1 ) Wimbledon- It’s that time of year again when we all pretend to really love tennis. Buy yourself a racketfor £10 from Sports Direct and make a verbal agreement over a pint, ideally with a friend you don’t see that often, to definitely start playing weekly.

2 ) Sign for Spurs by starting a rumour that Everton are interested in you.

3 ) Talk to your Wife/Husband/Girlfriend/Boyfriend

4 ) Miss the Goodison hospitality? Simply empty the dishwasher water into a plastic cup. Hey Presto! You’ve got yourself a Chang, Brother! (If you really want it to be authentic, throw £4 down the plug hole and burn your pie).

5 ) Pretend you are a professional footballer by going through family and friends’ partners, ranking them in the order you’re going to ‘smash them’.

6 ) Take the Kids out for the day.

7 ) Apply for the Villa job.

8 ) Give your weekly soaps that Goodison pre-match feeling by parading Mr Testicle around your living room. (Extra points if you can persuade Mrs Boob to join in).

9 ) Use Facebook to look at holiday pictures of people you’ve never met. (It’s not stalking if it’s on Facebook.)

10 ) Watch Rugby.

11 ) Enjoy your brand new, unused fly swatter. The one you bought a couple of months ago, for £10 from Sports Direct.

Feel free to comment and tweet me (@Jakemills1) any other ideas you may have.