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A year after leaving Everton, Andy van der Meyde finally called his agent, telling him: "I'm going to die here".
He was probably right.
It was a rare yet much-needed moment of clarity amid a blur of drink and cocaine binges while living with a friend in an apartment in Liverpool .
Van der Meyde spent four colourful years at Everton .
He embraced the party scene, fell in love with a stripper, was dumped by his wife, had his dog stolen in a ransom plot and developed a pretty serious addiction to heavy duty sleeping pills.
The city's underbelly took him in, chewed him up and spat him out.
Nicknamed 'Shandy Andy' by Toffees fans, the Dutchamn admits that many of his problems were of his own making. Others, however, were out his control, merely down to awful luck.
We've taken a look at his misdemeanours and misfortune in this week's Wildcard Wednesday...
Andy van der Meyde spent four colourful years at Everton (Image: VI-Images via Getty Images)
"Who the f*** are you?" asked Inter Milan head coach Hector Cuper when Van der Meyde reported for training on his first day.
You could argue the incident set him on the path of self-destruction, which almost killed him. Up to this point, things had been rosy for Van dey Meyde, the latest 'wonderkid' off the Ajax conveyor belt.
By 22, he was Ajax's first-choice right-winger, starring for Ronald Koeman's side and playing alongside the likes of Zlatan Ibrahimovich, Wesley Sneijder, Rafael van der Vaart and Steven Pienaar.
Van der Meyde made his name at Ajax after breaking into the team as a teenager (Image: Getty Images)
Inter Milan came calling. In the summer of 2003, Ajax flogged him for £4million.
The club was a mess. Van der Meyde, though, started well. In September, he scored a screamer in a Champions League group match against Arsenal at Highbury, firing his imaginary gun in celebration.
It was about as good as it got.
The following month Cuper was sacked. His replacement, Alberto Zaccheroni used Van der Meyde sparingly. Under Roberto Mancini, the team's next manager, he found game time even harder to come by.
Things started well at Inter Milan as Van der Meyde scored a screamer against Arsenal in the Champions League (Image: REUTERS)
This was about as good as it got in the two years he spent at Inter Milan (Image: Reuters)
In Ryan Baldi's upcoming book, The Next Next Big Thing , Van der Meyde recalled how he got "fat from all the pasta". He stopped taking the game seriously, "met girls and did stupid things".
But if things were going wrong in Italy, they really spiralled out of control in England.
Perhaps he'd have stayed on the straight and narrow if he'd moved to his preferred destination, Monaco.
The Ligue 1 club offered him "a lot of money" and a "beautiful" apartment on the French Riviera.
Van der Meyde, his then-wife Diana and their daughter Isabella had happy times in Italy (Image: voetbal international)
Unfortunately for Van der Meyde, his then-wife Diana Grifhorst needed a garden - a very big garden - to accommodate her exotic pets, which included 11 horses, a camel and zebras.
In 2013, he told BBC Radio 5 Live : "I wanted to sign for Monaco, but my ex-wife likes a lot of animals. I like a dog or something but not what she likes - zebras and all that sort of stuff.
"If I went there I could have made a lot of money because I wouldn't have had to pay tax there.
"I phoned my wife and said, 'Hey, they only have apartments there and you can't have a zebra in the flat, you'll have to leave them at home'.
"That was not her thing and she didn't want to go there, so we went to rainy Liverpool."
Van der Meyde longed for a return to Ajax a few months into his Inter Milan career (Image: Bongarts/Getty Images)
As it happened, the north west weather should've been the least of his concerns.
Van der Meyde joined Everton in 2005 after long-time admirer David Moyes sealed a £2.1million deal.
Then 25 and earning £30,000-a-week, he initially in a hotel, while his wife and two daughters, Purple and Isabella, stayed in Italy, so she could organise the transportation of her animals.
A family he met in Italy were moved over to England with him. The husband was employed as his chef and the wife as an au pair. The couple's two children, a teenage boy and a younger girl, were enrolled in school.
Van der Meyde played just 20 times in four years for Everton (Image: EMPICS Sport)
Injured when he arrived, he had plenty of time to explore the city's cultural offerings.
When his friend's son turned 16, he took him to a strip club as a birthday treat. If he was already on a path of self-destruction, this decision certainly accelerated his progress.
In his book, No Mercy , he said: "After a couple of hours of alcohol I drove to the nearest strip club. Getting drunk in a strip club in the middle of Liverpool was not very smart.
"But I had a strong longing for naked women.”
Van der Meyde had injury and personal problems at Everton (Image: PA Archive/PA Images)
It was at this strip club that he met a dancer called Lisa, who was "beautiful, like Jordan, amazing”.
“I saw a brunette and I wanted to have sex with her," he continued.
"But after I’d had sex with Lisa once I was addicted, she was wild, crazy and horny.”
He "fell in love with her" and they began an affair.
His wife, who by this point had had joined him in Liverpool along with their children, grew suspicious as he spent long periods away from the family home.
Van der Meyde showed flashes of his ability for the Toffees (Image: PA Archive/PA Images)
Eventually, she hired a private detective to follow him. A tracker was placed on his car and he was caught red-handed.
He told the BBC : "A private detective had videos and photos of me and my new girlfriend and then my wife rang me and said 'How's your new girlfriend?'. I was still denying it then."
Damage done, Diana and their girls swiftly returned to Italy, leaving him in Liverpool with Lisa.
What happened next had a significant impact on his career at Everton, but it was something he was powerless to prevent.
He and Lisa had a child together, Dolce, who was born with a serious stomach condition, which left her fighting for life in Liverpool's Alder Hey Children's Hospital.
Over the months that followed, much of his time was spent by his little girl's bedside. His relationship with Lisa deteriorated under the stress of their situation.
Van der Meyde has reflected on his career in his book, No Mercy (Image: VI-Images via Getty Images)
Moyes, he claims, was not sympathetic.
"There was a team in London who wanted to take me on loan, but in Liverpool there is the best children’s hospital and my daughter was there," he said in The Next Next Big Thing .
"[Moyes] said to me, 'Go to London, you can play there.' I said, 'I don’t want to go to London. My kid is in hospital. I want to stay here.' He said to me, 'It’s always something with your kid. Always problems.'
From that moment on, I thought, 'F*** you. You speak like that about my kid? You can do whatever you want with me now.' It was unbelievable.”
In his four years at Everton, Van Der Meyde made two significant contributions - a cross for James Beattie to head the winner in a Premier League match against Middlesbrough and an assist for Dan Gosling's Merseyside derby FA Cup goal.
He didn't see eye-to-eye with David Moyes or Phil Neville (Image: Getty)
Away from the field, it was more eventful.
On one occasion, he said he was violently ill after his drink was spiked with a drug on a night out.
He wrote in his book: “I threw up and my puke was blood and red clots, very scary. I passed out and woke up in hospital. They said probably some guys put some drug in my beer.
"I had to go to David Moyes and he fined me £30,000 because Everton have a rule that you can’t be seen in any bar or club two days before a game.”
A week later, he had to deal with the anguish of having his dog stolen in a ransom plot.
His beloved pet dog, a Dogue de Bordeaux, was stolen in a ransom plot (Image: Getty)
Burglars broke into his Wirral home and snatched Mac, a Dogue de Bordeaux puppy - the breed made famous by the film Turner and Hooch. A Ferrari, a Mini Cooper and eight Rolex watches were also taken.
They then used his mobile phone to call one of his friends, demanding a £5,000 ransom.
On the spiked drink and dog theft, he said: "It's been an unbelievable couple of weeks. I thought when I went to the game and played on Saturday that everything would get back to normal. Then I came back to this. I wish it would just stop.
"When things like this happen people will automatically think I am a troubled person. But I am not. I am just a normal guy."
He is now clean and sober (Image: VI-Images via Getty Images)
With everything that happened, it's little wonder he developed an addition to sleeping pills, which he stole from the club doctor.
"Soon I couldn’t sleep without popping a pill – I was addicted," he said in his book.
"The pills were pretty heavy, the kind you only get with a doctor’s prescription. So I stole them from the office of the club doctor and no one noticed, for more than two years I stole those pills.”
Moyes wasn't the only person he didn't see eye-to-eye with at Everton.
On Phil Neville, he said: “He was Moyes’ pet so I picked on him a lot. I think he told everything that was going on to the boss and that’s why he was captain, he was a snitch.
"It is a complete joke he played more than 250 games for Manchester United and almost 60 games for England.”
The illegal drugs didn't enter the frame until he left the club in 2009 after 20 appearances in four years.
He hung around in Liverpool for another year after his contract expired. Then he hit rock bottom.
He played with Zlatan Ibrahimovic at Ajax (Image: VI-Images via Getty Images)
"I never took drugs while I was playing at Everton," he said. "That was after I stayed another year living in Liverpool and had no club and I was taking drugs.
"I was living there alone with a friend and we were just going out and taking drugs.
"On Friday and Saturday we'd go out and do stupid things because you don't see reality and I was hoping I could get my relationship back with my ex-girlfriend."
Eventually, he saw the error of his ways and called his agent, begging for help.
In 2014, he refereed the Lingerie World Cup (Image: EPA)
This is about as much mischief as he gets up to these days (Image: EPA)
In 2010, he agreed a short-term deal with PSV Eidhoven, but didn't make a competitive appearance.
After announcing his retirement in 2011 at the age of 31, he played a handful of games for Dutch amateur side WKE.
In 2014, he refereed the Lingerie World Cup - which is exactly what it sounds like. He also presents a series on his YouTube channel, where he entertains other footballers in his car.
Now clean and sober, he's been married to Melisa Schaufeli since 2014.
It's probably better he stays away from Liverpool....