Personal Squad Values
Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2026 1:43 pm
The Tim to Lazio rumour in his thread got me wondering what people value our current players at and how wide is that variance?
So some ground rules.
1. We're pretending that we're being linked with the current version[Age/Ability] of the player, but they've done what they have for us for someone else. e.g Pickford has spent 10 years as Fulham's number 1, not ours.
2. There are no contract shenanigans going on. Let's say they've got 2.5 years left on their current deal.
3. They've never played for us before. We're imagining that they are replacing the current version of themselves who have had to retire, or died, or just fucked off to be a crypto billionaire.
Pickford: England's Undisputed number 1. After a few shaky early years he's now regularly one of if not the top performer for his club. Still not very tall, and doesnt command the 6 yard box on corners. In GK terms is still young, so at least another 5 years left.
Coleman Hey days are well in the past. Even those days spent reminiscing about the good old days are coming up due a testimonial.
Patterson: Has barely played for 4 years. Then when has played hasn't been trusted to be the regular starter.
Mykolenko: Not particularly good at any one thing. Used to be a shut down fullback, but has lost something over multiple injuries.
Aznou: Young, showed potential previously, raw.
Tarkowski: Captain at his current club. Leader in the dressing room. Solid defender. Getting on a bit now though.
Branthwaite: Injury plagued. On his day one of the best for his age. Still young so plenty of mileage left, but reliability is questionable.
Keane: Having his best season in years. Not showing his age as he's always beeb slow. Still prone to mental lapses.
O'Brien: Young, Strong, Quick. Has gained experience playing out of position.
Garner: Rates high in defensive performance metrics. Good set piece delivery.
Gana: Continues to defy Father Time. But how long will that last?
Rohl: Has shown good things and bad in his short time at his current club. Seemingly made of candy floss, but if he can get over that has potential.
Iregbunam: Has outgrown his role as financial shenanigan make-weighr and proved his worth in his own right. Still yet to establish what kind of player he is.
Armstrong: Still not even 20 but carries himself on the pitch like someone with 5+ more years experience. Future leader.
Dibling: Shows promise without ever actually doing anything tangible. Questionable attitude and work rate. Def needs a hugger not a hater for a manager.
Alcaraz: The closest I can think of describing him is mildly mercurial.
McNeill: Wand of a left foot. Right foot MIA. Possibly cardio issues.
KDH: High energy, seemingly well liked amongst team mates and was finding form that got him his big move before getting injured recently.
N'Diaye: Great ball retention, knows where the net is, works hard.
Grealish: Currently enjoying a rejuvenating loan spell, but has suffered an injury keeping him out for most of the season. Will only be available to buy in the summer. Age and potential issues with how he looked after his body in early years affecting longevity hover.
Beto: Tall, strong, quick, can't trap a bag of cement.
Barry: Tall, strong, quick, young, and can pass the ball to a teammate.
So some ground rules.
1. We're pretending that we're being linked with the current version[Age/Ability] of the player, but they've done what they have for us for someone else. e.g Pickford has spent 10 years as Fulham's number 1, not ours.
2. There are no contract shenanigans going on. Let's say they've got 2.5 years left on their current deal.
3. They've never played for us before. We're imagining that they are replacing the current version of themselves who have had to retire, or died, or just fucked off to be a crypto billionaire.
Pickford: England's Undisputed number 1. After a few shaky early years he's now regularly one of if not the top performer for his club. Still not very tall, and doesnt command the 6 yard box on corners. In GK terms is still young, so at least another 5 years left.
Coleman Hey days are well in the past. Even those days spent reminiscing about the good old days are coming up due a testimonial.
Patterson: Has barely played for 4 years. Then when has played hasn't been trusted to be the regular starter.
Mykolenko: Not particularly good at any one thing. Used to be a shut down fullback, but has lost something over multiple injuries.
Aznou: Young, showed potential previously, raw.
Tarkowski: Captain at his current club. Leader in the dressing room. Solid defender. Getting on a bit now though.
Branthwaite: Injury plagued. On his day one of the best for his age. Still young so plenty of mileage left, but reliability is questionable.
Keane: Having his best season in years. Not showing his age as he's always beeb slow. Still prone to mental lapses.
O'Brien: Young, Strong, Quick. Has gained experience playing out of position.
Garner: Rates high in defensive performance metrics. Good set piece delivery.
Gana: Continues to defy Father Time. But how long will that last?
Rohl: Has shown good things and bad in his short time at his current club. Seemingly made of candy floss, but if he can get over that has potential.
Iregbunam: Has outgrown his role as financial shenanigan make-weighr and proved his worth in his own right. Still yet to establish what kind of player he is.
Armstrong: Still not even 20 but carries himself on the pitch like someone with 5+ more years experience. Future leader.
Dibling: Shows promise without ever actually doing anything tangible. Questionable attitude and work rate. Def needs a hugger not a hater for a manager.
Alcaraz: The closest I can think of describing him is mildly mercurial.
McNeill: Wand of a left foot. Right foot MIA. Possibly cardio issues.
KDH: High energy, seemingly well liked amongst team mates and was finding form that got him his big move before getting injured recently.
N'Diaye: Great ball retention, knows where the net is, works hard.
Grealish: Currently enjoying a rejuvenating loan spell, but has suffered an injury keeping him out for most of the season. Will only be available to buy in the summer. Age and potential issues with how he looked after his body in early years affecting longevity hover.
Beto: Tall, strong, quick, can't trap a bag of cement.
Barry: Tall, strong, quick, young, and can pass the ball to a teammate.
